I Shall Be Released

This morning I thanked God for tea. I meant it too, not the God part, but the bit about the tea. There are few things as comforting as tea in this world, and this morning, I needed that crutch.

I left her apartment and returned to the place I went to make a decision about K all those years ago. I went and looked out over the airport again. My heart was so heavy and my eyes damp with tears, but the music was different this time. Maybe I was different too, older, more experienced perhaps? I didn’t have a destination in mind, I just ended up there. The sun was emerging from behind the clouds for the first time in days, the air was heavy and warm, and the ground was still wet from an overnight rain shower. Like me, the place had changed in the six years that had passed since I last sat there. Six years, it seems like so much time to me now. The stairs leading down to street below the park were gone; there were lamp posts and a well paved path, winding its way down. I remained there for only a few bars of the song; not like last time I had sat there with a heavy heart. Back then, I sat for the whole album.

This time, there is no decision to make on my part. I made my mind up a while back, and I stand by it, even now. I chose to take the risk of being in love. But because these are matters of the heart, matters involving people, it just isn’t that easy. Both sides have to find consensus.

I know I cannot sit around and wait for consensus to appear, nor will I. But you could call me a lair if I told you I didn’t want to sit around and wait for her. Of course I do, but that simply would not help either of us make headway in this bitch of a life, as Guevara once called it. In the mean time, I will be there for her if she needs. I’ll be an ear to whisper into or a shoulder to rest on. She may wonder if she deserves this, and I can only say that deserves got nothing to do with it. I have everything I need, so this decision to be a friend and to give her time is based on what I want. C’est tout.

I thought about all the messed up people I know, including myself, and was shocked to conclude that almost everyone I know is in the shit at the moment. So much of the source of the misery comes from failed relationships. Is this how it goes? Is it supposed to be like this? I have Chris Martin’s voice in my head, telling me that they said it wasn’t going to be easy, but no-one said it would be this hard. Here, here.

I thought about the abusive son of a bitch who won’t leave her alone, and I wanted to blame him for everything, for destroying something that was once so beautiful it made others want what we had. I wanted to show him the damage he has caused in her, in us. Yet I could not. It was only her and me to blame, and me more than her. In that moment I didn’t know what the future would bring. I too, can not see the light at the end of tunnel. I only have experience and Plato to tell me that it is there, somewhere. I found it last time, so I know I will again. With or without you at my side.

Je t’aime avec tout mon âme. J’espère que tu serrait a ma côté pour les prochaines aventure.