Conversation

"... and then she said 'so you are defending yourselves?'"

What?

"No listen. At each point where the conflict was being explained to her, she was asking questions: trying to explore the point."

He stutters when he gets close to the point. I'd never noticed it before, but I think he has always done it. I'm at the kitchen window, smoking a cigarette, with A. He is telling me about a conversation between his professor and a friend of ours. Gaza is the huge elephant in the room and we are both watching too much news. Rakia is actively dampening my spirits even further.

We finish smoking and sit down at the table. I tell him I haven't been able to write about the conflict. I excuse myself by claiming fatigue: fatigue from hearing about Israelis assault Palestinians; fatigue from trying to figure out why this was happening.

"There is just too much information to digest. we can spend two hundred years studying this one conflict." he said.

Yeah, and how can you absorb anything, organize it and synthesize it in this context?

"you cannot. you just end up ignoring it."

Ignore it. Just like everyone else.

But this is how it has been for 2000 years in the Levant. In order to give one group of people 'their' land, you have to displace another. I'm fatigued by the seeming endlessness of the conflict. Hamas has a taste of power, and, to return to Schmitt's thesis, they defined themselves and rose to power in opposition to Israel. Their very existence is tied to continued conflict with Israel. So, what would happen if Israel did return to the original borders? Would the conflict end? Not likely. Hamas would then need to find a new reason to keep themselves and the Palestinians mobilized, and keep the votes coming in. They would then change the Mantra to "Europe is the one who fucked the Jews, why didn't they give up their land to compensate?" 

But even if that did happen, and Israel was established in Bayern. There there would be Bavarian displaced peoples fighting the Jews, and imagine the Neo-Nazi movement in Germany. To give someone something, someone else has to lose it.

"And what about Roma? Should we just give them part of India? Why not?" His tone is ironic.

Yeah, imagine that.

The only light on in the apartment is the energy saving light bulb in the kitchen, where we are sitting. It seems to reflect our mood; or perhaps our mood reflects it? In any case, its not a nice light, it is too stark. We fall into silence for a moment. He is fidgeting, picking away at my laptop.

"You seem depressed?" he asks me.

At this point, I'm probably also just tired. I haven't slept well for days. But yes, I am. I didn't think it was going to hurt this much. I'm going to bed.

"oh, ok."

I crawl onto the couch in my room and slip under the blanket with History of the Present. I read about Ash's tour of seven Eastern Block cities. He is a fine writer and lays bare the, at times, silly divisions in this corner of the world. I fall asleep around 2 am.