On Writing

On writing, and Human Alienation.

Why write? Tonight I'm dwelling on why I do this, why it is the one constant in my life? Currently this frame of mind is influenced by the Israeli incursion into Gaza (perpetually playing in the background via BBC), a recent viewing of the Reaganite film Field of Dreams, and a specific kind of loneliness that comes from the realization that the person you love has thrown you out with the bath water.

So why write? I write because I am; because I live; because I feel; because I love; because I desire; because I hate; and because I can. But what does that mean? I write because I see myself as a protagonist in the story of my life, and because every experience has meaning to it. Since life, specifically earthling life, is short in the context of this planet and universe, we have only a few opportunities to make something of significance out of our lives, to understand what our lives mean, and to give those who will come after us a chance to learn from us. Unlike Kevin Costner however, I am not seeking some reconciliation with my Dad, and unlike America, I am not seeking to (re)create a past that never actually existed.

Rather I want to make a life for myself that has a purpose. But this is not some drive to 'fit in' with the majority, or to create some kind of Utopian society; instead it is a completely personal quest. Most likely the only person who will benefit from this writing, and the sense created out of my experiences, is me. The process of writing, to me, is similar to cleaning up my room. The 'clutter' lying all around my floor is experience and information. Writing, like cleaning up, is the opportunity to organize these experiences in a way that makes them accessible and meaningful. I can order and catalogue my life, assign emotion and significance, so I show myself what I want and what I don't want.

Experience is like refined notes and raw sounds; it allows us to define and test the limits of our identity so that we can find the path most appealing and comforting to us. I fear this is something that most people do not do however (writing and synthesizing their experience), and as a result never get a good sense of why: why they do what they do. There is, of course, the other extreme, which is the one closer to my state-of-mind. That is, those who are committed to the possibility of finding significance and meaning from experience, ultimately never settle on their own identity, busy as they are being critical and engaged in the search for "what it all means". There is a very real danger in being so obsessed with the search, that you miss the meaning. Thus, it is equally important to have your own conclusions. These conclusions are personal, and can always be, and maybe should be, revised. Like everything else in life, these conclusions are contextual, and subject to change.

In truth, perhaps as the result of experience and influences, I also write because I find myself somewhat alienated from the world. It is an uncomfortable experience to be sure, to be alienated, and thus I try to counter it by seeking out things, activities, theories, and dogmas, which will help me stop feeling this way. But as much as the alienated individual is "unhappy", I think they are, more than a powerful politician or a rich tycoon, the earthlings who move us all forward. Maybe I say this because I feel myself as a kindred spirit, but I also think that artists and philosophers have done more good than all others (good in the 'greater good' sense, but I would credit kind individuals and teachers with doing much 'localized' good). Writing, in the context of what I have written above, is how I am trying to deal with my alienation from the rest of the world. I seeing it as that which helps me deal with everything, from the daily grid to the war in Gaza.

Writing is also a practical activity: if I never get paid for it, that is ok. I won't be tearing up some large acreage of my corn field to create my text, it only takes up a tiny portion of cyber-space. I can also do my writing any time I feel like it, thus it can be fit-in between activities that are economically beneficial; I can write on the train, during lunch, in the evening, early in the morning, and maybe during the quiet moments at work. I can write in public forums, or I can write privately. It is, as my dear friend Simon would say, cheap and cheerful.

There is no moral or ethical value system assigned to this experience, nor is there a judgment of where one will end up at the end of this journey. In one sense I am suggesting that we each have a unique path to follow, and we each must find the thing that makes us happy and fulfilled. Now, there is some ambiguity in such a statement, and means you might argue this justifies people following a path taht creates pain and suffering for others. Maybe someone finds fulfillment in going to war? I see the argument, but I reject it. As I said, I am not moralizing, and I am not suggesting that the path to fulfillment must fit within a certain moral or ethical code. But I would suggest that anyone who takes the time to explore their identity, to try on various masks, to critically view their most mundane and most extraordinary experiences, will rarely make violence a key part of their life. This type of self-exploration and discovery takes an open mind and a profound respect (maybe even love) for others. It takes a bit of courage, and willingness to interact with a huge diversity of people.

How then, after all that, can you still what to see harm come to the others? How can you, after witnessing the beautiful and the tragic, decide the tragic is better? I don't think you can. If you do, then you have not reached an understanding of yourself in the context of everything else.

One more for good measure

Rob Hughes wrote recently that football must take care of its own. He was discussing the Icarus-like life of many stars of globalized football. Specifically, he mentions Gazza and Best as the fallen ones. Best died of alcoholism and Gazza may soon find a similar fate. I am mentioning this because, in part, I agree with Hughes, and in part, I think there is no true remedy.

Football, the sport and all those who control it, is responsible for those who make it their life, their source of income, and their identity. Football is attractive and alluring, it awakens passion, love and hate. As a little boy and an adult man, I have often dreamed of donning the shirt of FCB and running out with the lads, splitting the defense of the opposition with a deft pass, or stealing the last minuet winner. I wonder if I wouldn't give up everything to be endowed with good timing and golden legs? Of course, for most of us it is a fantasy to be indulged in as a fantasy.

But for many it becomes a reality. And one the individual is incorporated into the system of professional football, well, then the system carries some responsibility. Of course, all individuals have a choice at every given moment, but the system is responsible for its output: i.e. the players. While part of what is seductive about football is the physical contest, the other part is the glory. The glory today, as always I suppose, is fame and fortune. Soccer players are celebrities, fashion icons, goodwill ambassadors and movie stars. In short, they are brands.

This affords them much attention, wealth, luxury and excess. They are, in a sense, free of much of what keep the rest of us behind the desk, behaving in a moderate manner. But this is also where the danger lies, as in the case of Gazza and Best. Once you taste the sweet nectar of fortune and fame, who wants to go back? Some of us simply cannot handle that pressure and go mad. Soccer stars become drunks, criminals and megalomaniacs. And it is the sport and those behind the sport, which created this, thus they share the burden of responsibility. When Gazza gets wasted in a bar and gets in a fight, he is doing so, I would argue, because he needs the fight, the attention and the distraction.

But there is an even deeper problem here, one which is fundamental part of the sport itself (indeed, this is part of team sport in general). That flaw is the fact that football is at its essence a game of combat, of tactics and moves designed to crush the opponent. As such, it doesn't allow for understanding of the plight of the others, nor of the weak members of your own. It is highly aggressive and at times violent. This, in turn, is how the individuals within the sport are brought up, cultured, and expected to perform. In order to succeed, this becomes their life, and more often than not, it spills over into their private life: with violence, with drink, and with drugs. This is particularly acute in the post-career period, when the one thing you spent your life working on, is no-longer available to you, it is only natural that you also experience a loss of identity. Loss of identity, as we know from nationalism, always paves the way for violent counter-reaction.

But I also suggested that the sport cannot solve this problem, and I said so because it would mean introducing ideas, through counselling and adapted training methods, etc., that are antithetical to competition, professionalization, and war. For these types of individuals not to emerge, the focus on competition, besting, success, and glory would all have to be removed. An then? Well, then it just wouldn't be football anymore. Then there wouldn't be any Gerd Mullers, or Lionel Messis, there would be no games on TV, and at the World Cup, everyone would win.

Of course, what has been done, can be undone. That means that though the sport cannot ever avoid the creation of Icarus, it can help catch them on the way down, provide them with post career counseling, etc., what ever they need to not destroy themselves and their loved ones.

A footballing experience

I played soccer on Thursday night with a group of lads from work, Serbs and Italians, and me. It was such a bad experience, and I won't be playing with them again. But it was also fascinating to be part of the experience. I was rotating every 10 minuets with Marco, so I was able to play and watch these middle aged guys get progressively more angry and aggressive as the hour bore on. I knew before the match ended that this would be my only appearance with this group.

You see, for me football is like a hobby. I take it seriously, I try to play well, I work hard, but it has to be relaxing and fun. If it is not, there is no point to it. I am 28, I will never be a pro, nor will I ever get much better than I am now (without serious training), so all I can hope for is to maintain my level, and have fun playing this beautiful game. This philosophy is not shared by the Thursday evening crew.

Granted, they play at a slightly higher level than me, but their attitude is so hyper aggressive, that no-one has any pleasure in playing. They spend most of the game yelling at each other every time a pass is miss hit, or every time a shot goes wide. I took a lot of abuse for my weak passing. If I was in training with Cvezda or Partizan, then I could understand the shouting. But guys, we are playing a 5-a-side match, we are all of us never going to be pro-players, so relax and enjoy it!

The yelling continued after the game. As all the men returned to the changing room they were arguing over the bad passes and missed opportunities. I never felt like it was going to get violent, but they were practically screaming at each other. What I found hilarious about all this was, that as these men were arguing vigorously, they were also getting naked in front of each other. They then all went into the shower, to wash down in front of each other, where the shouting continued. A great juxtaposition I must say.

What I take away from this, because if I take nothing away from this then the evening really was a waste, is that these men exposed the mechanism with-in team sports which can encourage domination, aggression and eventually violence. The desire for victory is so strong with these men that they are willing, even on such an insignificant occasion, to let themselves get angry at their friends for not finding the back of the net. It is the engagement in the activity of football that brings out this attitude and mental state.

Of course, I can only speculate why they get this way, but if I had to guess, I would say they feel a level of frustration in other parts of their lives. Football is the only moment they have to release physical energy, and as soon as the lid is off on this tension, it quickly boils over into aggression.

I have the exact opposite experience every Sunday with my team. We are relaxed before, during and after the game. We take shots from the most improbable angles, we miss hit passes all the time, yet no-one yells at us. In short, we have fun while we play because we have no pretensions about what we are on the pitch. We are a group of young guys who enjoy kicking a ball around. Period.

*******

I was meditating today and became aware of how all my thoughts were directed towards what I saw a missing from my life. Every thought started with 'I need' or 'I should' or 'I want'. I wasn't spending anytime thinking about what I have, what is now.

(re)tooling a bit...

Entries have been lacking, so has inspiration. I really think my Math class is to blame...

You're being to easy on soccer, he said. Well, I still love the game, and criticising your love is a hard thing to do. But he was right, I am. The transformative experience that this thesis is meant to be is on-going, and I have just spent the last two hours writing some of the most 'difficult' words in the process thus far. I am getting closer to the core issues, which is good, but I does cause lots of internal insecurity, and hard hours of self-reflection, and a few nightmares...

Excerpt:

"Popularly (Almond and Verba, 1969; Putnam, 1993; Gellner, 1994; Habermas, 2000) understood as the space dividing the political and the social, where the popular is expressed, and the demands of the state are handed down; it exists in the manipulation of the people be the state, and the state by the people. In this reading it is an independent area where people and government come together to build consensus, but a different reading (Zizeck, Schmidt, Gramsci) cast civil society as an extension of the state. In this model, the dialogue within civil society is state sanctioned and controlled at all times. That is to say, at no point are the ideas within civil society ever truly free or challenging, rather they are a product of mechanisms and values which the states has implanted before the citizen ever comes to express themselves."

The theme here is internal divisions are a training ground for individuals who will be employed for the 'greater' cause if need be. Looking at events in Serbia/Kosovo, it is hard to disagree. Soccer hooligans who cut their teeth fighting each other, are now employed to sack embassies and attack armed NATO troops. The story on Aljazeera.com today made me wonder if the supposed "orchestrated violence had any of the same people involved from the embassy assault. I'll never know, but I'll bet...

Well, time for bed. Math tomorrow....

Correspondence to a mentor

I enjoyed the article also ("Us against Them" in Foreign Affairs), though I don't entirely agree with its conclusions. Franklin Foer makes a similar argument in "How Soccer Explains the World" when he holds Catalan nationalism up as a model of how it can be a benign force. But then, in general, Catalan region is much wealthier than the Balkans. As I watched the videos on youtube, one of the consistent factors in the "reality" for hooligans was relative poverty, though there are many exceptions.

I finally found the full hooligan video on youtube.com (the one dealing with Frm.
Yugoslavia) and thus was not surprised to read the soccer firms were involved in the
recent violence in Belgrade. According to interviews in the documentary, all sides are
still eager to fight/kill each other. To me this suggests the "solid" borders have done nothing to create stability beyond keeping everyone in their corner.

As soon as there is any interaction, or challenge to this status quo, the violence flairs up (e.g. Kosovo). The fact that much of this violence finds its expression around soccer culture lead me to think, as an peace-making tool, soccer is tainted, at least in this region.

Perhaps going the Laibach venue would be an idea. Can soccer be made in(to) a social mirror? This would something to ponder in the 3 chapter/conclusion, and to think about for the summer...