Friday, June 26, 2009

Responsibility

He felt the pressure and strain of the day on the bridge of his nose. On that point slightly below the eyes. Rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger did little to relieve the stress he felt. I want some tea he thought. They had been driving around, bouncing inefficiently from place to place. His companion smiled, doing business on his own schedule, in his own way.

But the driving had some calming properties. He had time to think between phone calls. He wasn't driving. He used the time to look out the window, while his companion was distracted by Michael Jackson songs.

I don't want this responsibility. I want this responsibility. But now he was in too deep to walk away. Something about these commitments made him feel ill at ease. Like he was no longer free to walk out when he felt like it. But maybe that was the point; maybe it was time to learn; time to commit.

I'm starting with the Man in the mirror...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

PUSL News

It was a rather rough weekend for the league. The kind that makes you question the whole point of what you are doing...

We got through the first two games on Saturday with no problems; the new Ref was outstanding and well in control of the players. He even got a few thumbs up from our lads. But towards the end of the second game a group of oversized rugby players showed up and started to get into kit. It was confusing because we had the space booked for another two hours, but they began insisting that they had it book. They insisted to the point of calling the police on us.

Alfred negotiated for almost an hour, but had to give in and move the final game to Back Bay. So we started the last game an hour late, but basically without any further issues. Thankfully the teams were fairly cool about it. And that is where the good news ended...

After getting to Back Bay and getting the game started, everything seemed to be going well and I was watching one of the best games of the season. But in the 60th minuet the coach of one of the teams lost his mind over a call by our linesman, stormed across the pitch and started verbally abusing our man. The game continued for a moment, the opposing team had a free kick, blasted it into the area and scored, what the coach called, an offsides goal. The everything went to hell. The ref came over to check with the linesman, who said he could not see because the coach was blocking him, so the ref gave the goal; this enraged the coach, who proceeded to physically attack the ref. Thankfully his own players restrained him, but he was thrashing away non-the-less.

At that point the ref had no choice to call the game as it stood, and flee... but not before the coach and some of his team-mates accused him of racism... The coach was dragged to his car, we negotiated with the players and eventually got everyone to go home.

Sunday started where saturday left off, because the ref who fled was supposed to officiate the first game, but do you think he showed up?? Nope... We started one hour late, and the final game was fore fit, to the frustration of the team that bothered to show...

Thursday, June 18, 2009

A Blue Pill and Alcohol

It was early, but not too early when he lifted his head. Perhaps it was out of boredom with the ground beneath his feet. Dirt and gravel for three and one half mile, changing only briefly as you cross the bridge. Or perhaps something about the view onto the city had caught his eye.

Portland was just beginning to yawn and stir from sleep; the clouds were still thin enough to suggest that there was sun near by, rising somewhere to the east. His heart was pounding and the sweat was running into his eyes. The city has a real skyline to it, and it did, particularly at that moment. He had seen many cities with distinct skylines, but he had returned to this one. He pondered these thoughts as he rounded a corner, heading for the bridge where the ground would finally change, if only for a moment.

He could feel his limbs freeing themselves of the blue pill and alcohol from the night before. He powered on. Before focusing on the last mile, he noted the lack of cars on the streets and thought it was a good thing. Then one more thought crossed his mind as he looked across the bay:

I don't want to get used to this city without you.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Dreamland

I hate people who use the term retard or gay as a slight.
I was sitting next to this person on the couch, though I had no idea who he was. I think he worked with disabled consumers. We watched the TV, and I commented that the show was retarded.
Then I said sorry. I just realized that I used ‘retarded’ to describe the show. He nodded. Yeah, I know.

Sleep was fitful and interrupted all night long, as it has been for a week now. I was overheating and awoke feeling like I was hung over, even though I had had nothing to drink the night before.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

PUSL News

Not a bad week for the League. We have established a connection with an organization across the country in San Francisco, Soccer Without Borders. They are interested in helping us develop the community aspect of the league, so we can move it away from being just another soccer league. We will be having our first conference call with them next week. The Portland Police Department has also begun an Athletics outreach program, and they have contacted us to arrange a meeting. We will see how the Police and PUSL can collaborate on a few things. These two developments will enhance the social aspect of the community league, which will get us a step closer to the central mission of the league.

Filmmaker Amy Brown, a native Mainer, has expressed serious interest in developing a short piece on one of the teams in the league (The Misfits, Alfreds outfit). This team really represents the core hope of the league; that we would bring people from the S. Maine multicultural community together and have them get to know each other better, thus de-essentializing their perceived differences. Amy will tentatively be coming up from NYC in a few weeks to meet with us and shoot some footage of the league.

We will also be helping Seeds of Peace with a new leadership test they developed. Tonight at the Coaches Meeting we will introduce the exam in order to generate interest, with the hope that the coaches will sell the concept to their players. Revolution already took it, and C.D. El Salvador has already agreed to take it. We, along with Seeds of Peace, will then follow up at the end of the season in order to see how people reflect their ‘results’. Should be interesting if nothing else.

Most importantly, the league now has a Facebook group! Yups. Since nothings true or cool ‘till it’s on FB, we are now 4 REAL. So if you haven’t already received an invitation to join, just look us up.

Commitment to Poverty

I have accepted a position with Americorps VISTA which will last one year (August 2009 – August 2010). The position will entail seeking out service opportunities for USM students within the greater Portland Non-Profit community, with special emphasis on the Multicultural organizations in the community. Americorps is at its base a poverty reduction program seeking to give the volunteers, as we are called, first had experience with the struggles of poverty. They achieve this by putting the volunteers into poverty; we are paid less than $800 per month, not allowed additional income, given access to some of the welfare benefits (such as food stamps and health care), and we are expected to see out this commitment for a full year.

I have accepted the job, or position, because I believe in the type of work I will be doing. I think it will be building on some of what I did in Serbia: capacity building within civil society, project development, and working with minority / multicultural communities. These things I am very excited about, and I do believe this work will be challenging and provoke personal and professional growth. Where I have issue, is with the treatment of volunteers and the forced reduction to poverty, and we shall have to wait and see where I end up, if I can indeed manage everything on less than $800 a month. I can continue to live rent free for the next two months, which will help me save a bit of money (provided I get a bit of work between now and August, when I start my year of service).

I think the aspect that is hardest for me is that I will be 30 next April, and I will still be living pay-check to pay-check, relying on handouts and the kindness of others. I have spent all of my 20s in this system, and I hoped after I worked for the OSCE I would find opportunity that was professionally satisfying and financially rewarding. But I have found it much harder than expected, with the VISTA position being the only interview and job offer in over a year. In some sense I still depend on others for survival, which dents my pride and challenges my masculinity (see the previous two entries...). But I must also recognize that my work will be contributing to the development of a more vibrant and open community in Maine. I think that we are at a critical juncture, particularly in places like Portland and Lewiston, and there is a great need for us to give time and resources towards fostering the connections between institutions, such as the University, and the poor and immigrant / refugee community.

I have begun to get to know this community over the last few years, and thus it makes sense that I will spend a year working closely with them. I feel that is important and I want that, but I would love to have about 200 – 300 more dollars a month. Technically that would still make me poor (by both Maine and Federal standards), but would be enough to survive, make a few savings, and perhaps take a trip to Italy, or England, or France, or home to Germany. Well, it isn’t to be this year. I will have time to work on building the PUSL, and I may even find a way to bring that into the VISTA position, which would be great. For that and the other positives I mentioned above, I think it is worth it.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Day in Moments

Having gotten over the initial shock of having one of his close friends turn vegetarian, he cracked a huge smile and showed his white teeth. Maybe you need to be more flexible! You should be a flexitarian! His laugh was full and it made me smile. In that moment, I was thankful for his friendship.

We sat down after ordering our food and he said it was important that we all find ways to make a difference in the world, even on a small scale. If this was my way of doing it, I support it. But I’ll still give you a hard time. We laughed. The food arrived and our conversation floated on to other things.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Three Men in Nature

We set off at 845 a.m., heading north-west for half a day of hiking at Burnt Meadow Mountain. I think each of us may have had different reasons for getting out of dodge, even if only for a few hours. For me it was a chance for fresh surroundings, the calmness one only finds in the mountains and room to reflect on relationships and job opportunities. For that it was a perfect half day.

As we climbed through the cool forrest towards the top, the subject of my last entry came up: Man-ness. We were, all three of us, not fitting the image of what men should be (as I defined it in the last entry), and to some degree, we are all suffering as a result. As we talked I realized that what was missing from my argument, my last entry, is the fact that it is not the car as such that causes the stress. Rather, it is the lack of independence that comes in a commuter society when you lack your own transportation. It means that as men without a car, we are essential dependent on others. Independence is considered a masculine trait, and dependence is thus feminine.

As Men without this essential component of masculinity, independence, we are castrated. It is of course, a constructed reality, and not something we need to be subject to, and I think the three of us do fairly well in bucking the trend. Being aware of this fact is half of the battle and essential to be able to counter act such false standards.