Foreword:
I thought to change the title of this entry to "David has a broken heart" because the questions in this entry are in part, provoked by this state of affairs. But ultimately the idea to write this entry came from an email exchange and a subsequent conversation with Momcilo, and thus I cannot take all the credit. I also want to add that I am becoming more and more convinced of the maxim "act locally". The evolution of my political person following 7 months in a large Multi-National is moving away from seeking global solutions (international diplomacy, etc.) and towards finding solutions in and from the communities where the issues originate. What is happiness then? Like 'freedom', I fear it is one of those terms thrown around easily, and without clear definition. Where does it come from? Is it simply a good balance of chemicals in your brain? Or more philosophical, like a profound understanding of who you are and your place in the world?
I ask these questions because of a recent email exchange with a few different friends, but also because I sense that, myself included, there is a general unhappiness in the world, and thus we are all chasing this idea. But if we have trouble defining it, then what the hell are we chasing?
I could start by answering that part first: What are we chasing? Nothing, I would answer, because I think we are running away from unhappiness, more than we are chasing happiness. It's why so many are on some kind of Medication (legal and illegal). I believe that there are some legitimate uses for some of the medication used to get people out of depression, but it has become a bona fide industry for passifying the masses (as has the illegal drug 'industry'). We cannot chase something we struggle to define, as to do so would be to waste a lot of energy running in a thousand directions. In fact, as I think about it, that is exactly what the experience of running away from something, in this case unhappiness, is like. We simply scatter, not knowing where our refuge is, like a heard of wild beast.
Part of the problem in defining it, as I see things, is that there is no collective experience called 'happiness', nor should there be (please see
The Invasion or
Equilibrium for good explanations why). It is, I believe, a highly individual experience, even when part / all of the source (or the percieved source) of happiness is another individual. They will never be experiencing exactly the same as you. The level of diversity in people is simply to great for one single thing to be the definition, thus our objective, of happiness.
There is also danger in relying to much on external factors to define happiness. I can write this particular sentence, these particular thoughts, from personal (recent) experience. When happiness is not internal, there is great danger of losing that which makes you happy, because it is totally uncontrolable (this goes for people as much as it goes for pills). What happens then, when you lose the source? When you can no longer drink from the pool? Then you experience a terrifying sense of emptyness, which can drive a person to some extreme measures to fill the sudden void. But what if you have an internal sense of happiness? Not "I am happy because..." but rather, "I am happiness".
Don't get me wrong, losing something that made you feel good, that you enjoyed, will always be tough and will always be a negative experience, but if you are not defining yourself and your happiness by it, then it will be easily managable and overcome. Of course, we should not all become Narcissus, spending our lives staring into the pool, but we need to rely on ourselves and our knowledge of ourselves in becomeing happiness, more than we do now. We need to balance this relationship better.
We should also take a moment to acknowledge the insane standards we set for ourselves in trying to achieve happiness. Every day we watch movies and TV shows, we read magazines and book, and we listen to songs about happiness. In these media we are given ideas of how our lives should or could look, but don't. The characters in these situations and everything about them, is carefully designed to attract us. The problem is that they are not necessarily grounded in reality and the lifestyle they advertise is virtually unattainable. Thus, when we fail to achieve what we see everyday as desirable, it causes us stress, and makes us unhappy. But we don't need to feel this way, because really it is just someone's idea of happiness and since we'll never experience it, fuck it.
We should rather take stock of what we have, what we have achieved and how unimportant these imposed standards are. We don't have to be important in the public perception to be happy. Happiness is not linked to anything but feeling comfortable with yourself, which is primarily an internal experience. We do things of significance everyday.
This is, as everything in life, a work in progress. As I get to this point in the writing, I see I can go no further and answer the other questions I asked myself. I cannot because I don't know, or maybe I am not in the right frame-of-mind to do so. But I think it is important that I have at least posed the questions. I have given myself a little direction, I have released further internal tensions, and balanced myself a little.
Afterword:
"Maybe the important thing you are doing with your life is taking care of the cat. At least, from the cats perspective, one might come to that conclusion...
But seriously, I understand the need to do something 'important' with ones life. It is part of the reason I left Maine (both times actually). Certain experiences in the last 6 months have suggested to me that everything is important, well, lets say everything is significant. So, being single, a waitress and the proprietor of a cat, are as significant as taking over a small country (and in many ways much less stressful for everyone involved...)...
I find it extremely hard to get rid of the feeling that I am not doing anything important, that I won't amount to anything. I blame social pressure and hyper capitalism. We need to have constant progress and upward mobility in our lives, because that is what supports the continued growth of the economic system. So, the system subtly ingrains it into our identity. We are always reading about really important people, but never about Peter Petrovic the farmer. Why is his life less significant? It's not, it just doesn't fit the front cover of consumer culture developing in all corners of the globe."
